The emotional dependence It is one of those phenomena that are born to designate a pathological situation in the body of psychology, but that over time they pass through professional walls and also begin to be used in a popular environment.
That is why it seems vital to clarify some misconceptions that revolve around the already famous emotional dependence. Some of the most frequent misconceptions are:
- "The dependence is bad."
- "The opposite of dependence is independence."
- “Who depends is because I don't know how to be alone.”
- 1 Dependence is human
- 2 The solution is not independence, but identity
- 3 Emotional dependence is a wound
- 4 Love and emotional dependence
- 5 Love as a drug
Dependence is human
Dependence is not badIn fact, it is one of the main qualities that mammals have. It is related to the survival and it has a simple evolutionary sense: "together it is easier for us to do well", for that we must take care and be taken care of.
The security search Y support for through the other It is a basic need of people, which would be an anti-natural error to try to deny it or to suppress it. This is a need that begins within the paternal affiliate bond.
The solution is not independence, but identity
Nowadays we listen to often positive and encouraging messages around the idea of promoting our independence. This has become a desirable value in the conformation of a positive identity.
However, independence is the other side of the coin. Emotional independence entails not linking and dispensing with our Me in relation.
Modern values and models of life are far from traditional, where we appreciate a certain tendency to empower the self in the face of the community or family. However, those people emotionally independent that we often admire, on many occasions, what they hide is a form of culturally accepted pathology. The fear of commitment, to let in, to feel or others.
The healthy solution for pathological dependence is identity. An identity that is built knowing how to depend on others, while without its presence it does not fall apart like a sugar bowl. That is to say: I am without you, even if I want to be with you.
Emotional dependence is a wound.
Many people who have gone through a relationship where they have seen themselves as emotional dependents, are people who without a partner make a perfectly normal life. The circuit of anxiety and hyper attention to the other debuts at the moment they meet and bond with someone, because it activates the attachment-anxiety system.
Not having the desire to want to live alone is not a symptom of dependence, in the negative sense of the term.
Love and emotional dependence
People who suffer or have suffered some chapter of pathological emotional dependence, usually confuse love and anxiety.
What happens in the context of a dependency relationship, is that the other awakens in oneself insecurities. This fact may be due in large part to the fact that for some reason people with a tendency to emotional dependence usually choose little emotionally available couples and that offer a intermittent reinforcement
This scenario causes uncertainty regarding the presence of the other, activating in the dependent person a whole system of anxiety. That anxiety causes us to have our partner in the head constantly. May all our attention be directed towards him or her.
However, that is not love. The love is what happens after the phase of crush. It is the expression of an emotional bond where there is union, understanding, care, desire, admiration and common goals and hobbies.
Anxiety can be caused by a person who even, if we think about it, let us realize that we don't like it so much.
That insecurity that activates us is the expression of the activation of internal beliefs, such as: "I am not deserving or deserving of love", "I am not enough" or "if you do not want to be with me it is because I am unable to like someone ", among other.
Love as a drug
Love is perhaps the best selling commercial brand in the world. An education that transmits an excess of praise of love to give meaning to life, places people on vital goals based on the couple.
This type of education Y values It can be seen perfectly in the novel Fierce Attachments from Vivian Gornick, in which the messages she received from her mother about love and men are told from the perspective of the female protagonist (who is the same author).
This often occurs in codependency disorder., where the codependent person adopts a role of savior or savior of someone with problems, which prevents the development of a stable relationship, but the psychological and / or physical abuse is included in the pack.
The codependent person He gives everything for love, forgetting to ask or demand for herself, since the ultimate and important goal is the couple. It also allows him to forget his responsibility, since he places the target of change on the other, thus justifying his suffering.